I am going to take this oppertunity to try and sort some things out, and those of you who are older and wiser than I, (which is pretty much all of you) I would really appreciate your advice.
I have never felt so confused in my life. I absolutely love the life I have made here. And honestly, thats what I have done. I came here knowing absolutely no one, and now have a wonderful circle of friends, a great job, and am moving in with a new family closer to the city in July. I have made this little life for myself, and I am very, very scared to leave it. I know I still have a month and a half here, and that a lot can change in that time, but right now, I really dont want to leave. I am scared to go home and be pushed into a world where people dont understand me anymore and dont know what i have been through. I feel like I have two different lives, and I dislike feeling so divided.
After LA term, I was absoluetly certain that i wanted to live in the city after I graduate. But now, Im not so sure. Seeing how Solidarios works makes me want to see NGO´s from all over the world. The love and hope they give people is amazing, and I want to experience the love I see here in other places as well. As difficult as it has been, I have fallen in love all over again with cultures, and want to learn and experience as many as I can. But what does that mean? Basically my question is what the heck am I going to do when I graduate? The first question is deciding between the world and LA.
Basically, I know that when I go back to school life as it were starts again, and that scares me. I feel so free here, and even though I have a ton of homework, I have never had so much time to just learn on my own and at my own pace. I dont want to make decisions, and I dont want to be asked what I am going to do when i graduate. I feel like for the past few years I have been trying to convince everyone that I am an adult, and now I dont want to be one. Today when I was thinking about all of this and thinking about leaving, I started crying. The future has always been so far away, and its getting closer now, and im scared that I wont be ready for it.
Basically I just need some peace, because I really dont have to figure out any of this right now, but it just bothers me that I dont know what i want. for those of you who really know me, youre probably surprised to read that, because I always know what i want. But now Im really confused, and uncomfortable with that confusion. I dont want to make a mistake, and I dont want to regret not doing something.
I appreciate all of you who read this, it is a huge comfort to know youre along with me through this. Any and all thoughts are appreciated!
5 comments:
Although I am a few months older, I don't view myself as any wiser than you at all - but I figure the words of a friend are sometimes just as valuable :)
First off, you're just as ready (if not more ready) for "the future" as anyone else… Read your own words - "I came here knowing absolutely no one, and now have a wonderful circle of friends, a great job, and am moving in with a new family closer to the city in July. I have made this little life for myself…" Those words alone prove that you can (and will) make a life for yourself wherever (and whenever) you need/want.
Secondly, is there any reason you need to DECIDE between LA and the world? Why not do it all… you already have plenty of connections in LA, and it wouldn't be difficult to come back to this life if you ever decide that's what you want. Wouldn't it be perfectly possible to continue traveling the world as you see fit, then return to LA when you feel like it's what you want for sure? Wherever you go, whatever you do, you will be following your dreams and helping to improve the lives of others – in my book that's all that really matters…
I know it's scary to be at points in life where decision-making is required (and you know I mean that, being as indecisive as I am :P), but you'll make it through and do what you feel is right when the time comes. I wouldn't worry about "making mistakes" b/c you will constantly change and continue changing (both who you are and what you want)… there's no reason you can't change what you're doing to accommodate those feelings/desires. Plus no matter what you decide when/if you do, I'm sure the decision will come from your heart - and even if it doesn't seem to work out, you will have learned and grown from the experiences you undergo. (No regrets... I feel like we've had that conversation before :D)
With that, this comment has become far too long, but I hope it helps :P. Know that you are loved, and that's one thing you will always have regardless of anything else!!!
Miss you chica… can't wait to pick you up from the airport in August (it is August, right? :P)
Much love,
Sammy
Thank you for sharing your heart with everyone. It is good to hear where you are at.
Kelly, you don't need to figure all of this out at this very moment. You don't even need to figure all of this out right before or after you graduate. You are gaining these experiences in Spain right now that are shaping you to be the person you want to be. Whether you are in L.A., Seattle, Guatemala, or in little old Azusa, you will still have these experiences under your belt and what you are experiencing will never go away.
I felt similar to you when I returned from Europe last summer and I didn't want to go back. Heck, I found myself over there and I didn't want to return to a place where I didn't know myself. It is a learning process. You have to go through it, but you realize so many things about yourself when you are put back in your original or comfortable environment.
Live in the present. Right now enjoy everything life has to offer you today. Don't be concerned with what you are going to do when you return home. Try and learn as much as you can about yourself and about cultures so when you return you don't have any regrets.
Everything you are thinking and feeling I think is so good. I know it sucks, but it is normal. You can always live in Spain and L.A. and Seattle and anywhere else you want during your life. No one is restricting you. When the right time and the right opportunity comes along you will know. There is always timing involved and always a reason. Trust that.
I hope this all made sense. I love you and miss you! I hope you get some good responses from this blog you wrote. Really think about it and take the advice that really speaks to you and go with it. :)
LOVE YOU!!
i think these comanieros have said it very well...
i would say
'nough said
with sam and kelsey's comments...
;p
love shu!
girl, you took the words right out of my mouth as I have been struggling with the same thing ever since I became a Global Studies major. the question I hate the most is "so what do you DO with that degree?" I never have an answer for people, because this major (and Soc as well) doesn't really point people into a clear cut occupation. So I end up feeling embarrassed and frustrated that I don't have my entire career and education path mapped out.
But then I have to stop and realize that that's one of the reasons I love this area of study and I'm sure why you love Sociology as well. It teaches us to stop asking "What am I going to do?" and helps us to start asking ourselves "How do I want to live?" I find that the latter is not only easier to answer, but is a lot less restrictive. It allows for a multitude of activities that lets us explore and pursue all of our passions and interests.
Look at Slimbach! Look at all the crazy, random things he has done in his life! They all have a common theme, even though they were in different places and cultures.
So when I find myself getting overwhelmed with the real world, I remind myself of what is really important to me. And I realize that as long as I'm doing something that I love and passionate about, it won't matter where I am or who I'm working with. It is all where God leads that particular month, year, decade, etc.
So do all and everything that you want in this life, because Lord knows it is too short and fleeting. Whatever you're doing at any time in your life, just make sure it's something that you can be proud of and that you know makes God proud.
kelly, i am right here struggling with you. at times i felt that I was the only one going through these feelings, so I am happy that you wrote this blog! don't worry we will figure it all out one of these days. :]
Okay, so I don't know you as well as some of the others who have posted here, but I am a Washingtonian, so here goes...
DUDE - you're doing something awesome. You're getting a degree that you like, doing something you want, and that's enough. What will come next will come next. It's more about how you respond do it, not what will happen IF... y'know?
I got a degree in Athletic Training, and I work as an Exec Assistant at a supermarket company. I love it. It's the best job I've ever had. I loved my degree, and wouldn't change that for the world... do what you love, and enjoy it. I swear, really.
You can always talk to me (and I'm apparently MUCH older than you... oi.), and I'll share what I've learned in my time after school.
I couldn't wait to get done, and since then I've traveled to Thailand/Cambodia/Laos, Nicaragua twice, Russia, Taiwan and Thailand again. Seriously - you can do NGO work where ever!!
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